I am an addict. My closet and calendar reveal clues about my habit. My addictive behavior begins when I hear my ancient enemy whisper, “You are not enough.”
Frantic to quiet his words of twisted truth, I strategize how to “become enough.” As insecurity rushes in, I become a junkie looking for a “fix.” Fear and bad habits multiply my stress. I try hard to make up for my insufficiency by “adding” to myself.
For instance, I’m anxious at public events, large crowds, and social settings. Before I attend an event, I spend excessive energy trying to find clothing that makes me feel confident. I can’t seem to stop what I know is a useless process. My habit wastefully consumes money, time, and closet space. None of this consumption leads to an increase in my confidence or a feeling of “being enough.” In fact, when I recognize my cycle, I become self-disgusted and even more stressed.
Often I feel as if I’ve been banned to live an endless life on Insecurity Island with all I could ever need, but where nothing is ever enough. When I wake up to my dilemma and decide to change my habit, my enemy, The Flaw Keeper, devilishly suggests, “Do what you must, but remember, you are not enough.”
Instantly I jump into my second addiction. I DO things. To hush that voice, I strive harder to “be enough.”
With my calendar in hand, I whisper, “I will change. I will DO more. I will diet. I will exercise. I will be good, kind, diligent and witty. I will go to more church stuff—be more spiritual. I will do everything I can for all that I can. Then, I will be “enough.”
After a round of “doing,” I suddenly see my flawed self again. Because of the “Doing Fog” that surrounds Insecurity Island, I don’t realize I’ve stepped back into my captivity. Instead of living in the shallowness of my full closet, I’m now living in the jungle of “doing enough.”
Here’s what I know about this addictive cycle.
1. ANYONE can inhabit Insecurity Island.
2. Anyone can use ANYTHING to quiet the voice that says, “You are not enough.”
3. It’s true. Some relief from the continual whispers of the Flaw Keeper can be found by becoming a junkie. You can choose to cover up or ignore the defect by seeking endless amounts of drugs, alcohol, sex, entertainment, education, sports, relationships, jobs, or new locations. But once you’ve had a “fix” of your favorite distraction, you’ll wake up realizing you are worse than before!
The not-so-funny-thing about this is…. I KNOW what I really need to be freed from Insecurity Island!
I need a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand and transform me into “enough.”
I know I will have to be completely changed, or I’ll never get off Insecurity Island. Remodeling “me” is not enough. (I already know that “covering me” is not enough.) I will have to be torn down, my flawed thinking removed, and new walls and boundaries built. It won’t be an overnight process. It might take a lifetime!
You see, the Flaw Keeper is right. In one way, I’m not enough. Without Jesus, I’m not enough to embark on a relationship with God, but that’s all that I’m missing. Every other area where I feel inadequate is really only pumpkin material for a God who transforms! With God in my life, doing and transforming, I am MORE THAN ENOUGH.
Now on days when my addiction seeks new ground, I’m learning to “shout” the following scriptures.
For transformation….
Romans 12:2
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (NIV)
For becoming more than I can imagine….
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Cor. 2:9 (NLT)
One of MANY Bible stories of “more than enough”
“They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.” Luke 9:17 (NIV)
For team effort…. (me plus God)
“…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him (Christ) who loved us.” Romans 8:37 (NIV)
“I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me.” Phil. 4:13 (Amplified)
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How about you? What twisted truth triggers your addicted self? What helps you get back on track?
stressbless 
Thank you so much for being Jesus to my heart today!
Your confirmation means so much to me, because this was the hardest thing I’ve written so far. Laying this confession in front of others is difficult, but God uses it to underscore what He is trying to teach me!
I feel like this at times. I will convince myself that my friends have moved on because I haven’t spent time with them, which in turn I stay more to myself which just feeds the circle. I’ll feel lonely and the Flaw Keeper will taunt that my friends are too busy, or they have new friends to fill my place, or I’m not really worth it, or they don’t have time to share with me, or other lies. It is such an entrapment! Thank you for sharing and reminding me that there is a difference between what is true and what is a lie from the Flaw Keeper.
Wow! You’ve hit on why I keep way too much stuff! Thanks for reminding me that God loves me just as I am and He is able to make me complete as I look to Him.